


Logical Heartache

by Nadja_Lee



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Cultural Differences, Emotional Hurt, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt Jim, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Sappy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-05-05
Updated: 2005-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:40:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23018704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee
Summary: After Kirk and Spock have Bonded Vulcan still refuses to accept the union and the Vulcan Council forces Spock to Bond with a Vulcan woman. However, Kirk have something to say about that....[Printed in "t’hy’la 25" in the summer of 2005][Considered by fanlore to be one of my best fanfics; take that as you wish]
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 4
Kudos: 343





	Logical Heartache

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to Kathy because she encouraged me to write this.  
> Thanks so much to Nancy for the great beta even though she’s not into this fandom. Thanks, lov! *hugs and kisses*

“Let me get this right,” Kirk began, his anger barely under control. He raised a hand and massaged his forehead in an attempt to try to get rid of the headache he was developing. “You’ve agreed to bonding with this woman?”

Spock gave an almost invisible sigh of frustration as he tried to explain for at least the tenth time. “Yes.”

His reaction didn’t go unnoticed by Kirk whose eyes narrowed as he looked at him. “Well, excuse me for wanting to try to understand why my lover **and** bondmate is planning to marry someone else!”

His raised tone made several beings, mostly Vulcans, turn to look at him. Spock suddenly began to question the wisdom of breaking this news to his t’hy’la in a crowded café in the capital city on Vulcan. He had thought the public atmosphere would prevent his human mate from making an emotional scene.

“I have attempted to explain the situation,” Spock tried again, his voice calm and even.

Kirk and he had been bonded for three years now, having bonded right after the end of their 5-year mission. However the bonding had never been approved by the Vulcan Council, and their approval was something Spock desired. Though he had made significant progress in accepting his human half, thanks to his bonding with Kirk, in the presence of other Vulcans he still felt inadequate because of his human. In many ways Spock’s Vulcan and human halves were still in conflict. but he knew that Kirk assumed that their relationship would be spared any repercussions from this simply because Kirk had always accepted Spock as he was; never asking him to be more human or more Vulcan.

Their marriage so far had been wonderful. Spock was able to be loving and caring when they were in private even though he chose to be Vulcan in public, a choice Kirk had respected by not initiating more contact with him than he had done before they had Bonded. From time to time Kirk would see other beings showing public displays of affection and Spock would feel a sting of longing from his human partner but it always passed when their eyes met. Spock made sure Kirk saw his love in his gaze or felt it through the telepathic bond between them.

Though McCoy and most of his other friends hadn’t understood Kirk’s choice of life partner, very few had scorned him because of it. For Spock it had been more difficult. Amanda had readily accepted Kirk; Sarek had reluctantly done so because of Amanda’s insistence and because of the part Kirk had played in saving Spock’s and his own life during the Babel mission.

To Spock’s dismay and frustration most of his family and the rest of Vulcan and hadn’t been as welcoming. Despite this their marriage had worked. Maintaining their positions in Starfleet, working side by side, their marriage had survived the obstacles thrown against them.

However it was exactly because things had been going so well that Kirk could not understand Spock’s reasoning now.

“Is this just because she’s Vulcan?” Kirk lowered his voice and fought to control his emotions. He didn’t want to give Vulcan any more reasons to scorn him as Spock’s bondmate than they already had.

“In part,” Spock admitted. “However she is the Council’s choice for a suitable bondmate for me. A bonding with her will unite two great Houses, she will provide my family with the heirs they need and she will be able to help me through Pon Farr.” It sounded like a speech he had rehearsed; he had clearly been trying to see the logic in an undesirable situation.

“I thought we had already debated Pon Farr. I can help you,” Kirk insisted, not wanting anyone else to make love to Spock but him.

“Pon Farr is madness, Jim. It is not love.” Spock’s voice softened and Kirk could feel his concern and love through their bond. “As a human you would never be able to survive it.”

“What about your parents then?” Kirk threw out his trump card.

“My mother does not go to my father during Pon Farr. It is not spoken of but it is, nevertheless, public knowledge. She would not survive it.”

Kirk was at a loss for words. He hated giving up but it seemed everyone from Spock to McCoy to Amanda all agreed that a human could not survive Pon Farr.

“Very well,” Kirk reluctantly agreed. “Then do like your father. Go to someone else if you have to, but you don’t have to _marry_ her!”

“My father’s choice of bride was approved by the Council as a logical way to bring Earth and Vulcan closer together. Furthermore my father did produce offspring.”

Kirk leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms stubbornly over his chest. Just the thought of losing Spock pained him, even more so because he could feel Spock’s love for him through the bond.

“I will not give you up.” His voice was quiet but deadly.

Spock’s gaze was warm. “You do not have to.”

“What do you mean?” Kirk asked puzzled.

“From pre-reform Vulcan there exists a law and a method through which a Vulcan can bond with more than one partner. One of these bonds will be superior but all will be recognized as legal bondings,” Spock began, believing he had solved the entire situation in a very logical and satisfactory way.

“You want me to share you with this ‘T’something or other woman?!” Kirk nearly exploded.

“T’Lia,” Spock automatically corrected. “You will not ‘share me’ as you put it. My bond with you will be the superior one. The connection we share now will not be changed by this. Furthermore you and she will never meet.”

“Why not?” Kirk had to admit he was curious about this woman. He was trying hard not to hate her for, as far as he knew, she had never requested a bond with Spock. Like him, she was just a pawn in a large political game.

“If she, as my legal bride met you, my t’hy’la, it would be considered a dishonour to her status and her family name. This would have grave consequences for both Houses,” Spock warned evenly.

Kirk sighed. Well, he would see her anyway on the official holovids of the wedding…which apparently he couldn’t attend even if he had wanted to. As it was it was probably best he was far away because he wasn’t sure he wouldn’t disturb the ceremony with some, to Spock’s House, embarrassing emotional displays of anger.

“What exactly would this two-bonding deal mean?” Kirk wanted to know, certain he wasn’t going to like it. Every fibre in his being was screaming at him to keep Spock to himself—but wasn’t it better to share him than to lose him completely?

“The Vulcan Council will recognise our bonding if I bond with T’Lia. She will carry my name and my children. Should…” Before Spock could continue Kirk interrupted him.

“So, what you’re saying is that she gains the role of wife and I the role of mistress?” Kirk could barely control his anger and hurt.

“You will be unable to inherit anything from me should you outlive me and you would not be allowed to carry my name or claim anything from my clan. However, when I spoke with the Vulcan Council today they agreed to having your name linked to mine on our family tree and also that I could put a small sum aside for you should I die.” It had been very hard to get the Council to agree to this and Spock was rather proud of himself that he had managed to get this done.

“I’m reminded of my old Earth history lessons about the old royal houses in Europe,” Kirk mumbled, shocked at what he was hearing.

“Your comparison is inaccurate but generally correct. My family is one of the most influential ones on Vulcan. To use an old Terran phrase, I could be called the ‘Crown Prince of Vulcan,’ which is why my marriage is not a personal matter but one of state,” Spock explained softly.

“What if I asked you to refuse bonding with this woman?” Kirk asked quietly, avoiding Spock’s gaze.

“I would be disowned, cast out. My name would be erased from existence and when I die my katra would not be allowed onto Vulcan soil, denying my soul eternal life,” Spock stated as a matter of fact.

“This is blackmail!” Kirk protested furiously, looking at Spock in shock.

Spock raised an eyebrow at him. “They are the ruling Council of Vulcan. They have the power to act on their threat.”

Kirk fell silent. He could not ask Spock to risk all that for him. Forcing his emotions away Kirk locked eyes with Spock and tried for a smile though he failed horribly. ”Well…the logical course of action seems quite clear.” His words held a hint of sarcasm to them.

Spock nodded. ”It is.”

Silence fell between them like a wall. ”I would defy the Council if you requested it of me, t’hy’la,” Spock said softly.

Kirk shook his head. ”I cannot, will not, ask that of you.”

*I love thee and only thee. Forever,* Spock sent through their bond.

Kirk smiled warmly, fighting back tears at the injustice of it all. ”I love you too,” he said softly, wanting to kiss Spock but unable to do so since they were in public. Spock gave him his ‘not smile’ that only Kirk would recognize as a smile and held out two fingers in the Vulcan embrace. Kirk slowly placed his fingers against Spock’s.

“We will make this work,” Kirk said softly, determined not to express his doubts. Could he really accept the fact that he had to share Spock? That officially he was nothing more than a lover…a whore with no legal rights? At least the Federation acknowledged his marriage to Spock but if Vulcan claimed more than one marriage was traditional on their world he knew that the Federation would acknowledge both marriages equally.

”We will,” Spock agreed, hoping that Kirk would prove as mentally stable and strong as he had always been. Being Vulcan, Spock had no difficulty seeing the logic of the situation. He could readily separate his marriage of duty from his relationship of love with Kirk. However Kirk was human and might not be able to do so quite as easily. Kirk was, as Spock knew well, a man of deep and strong emotions.

* * * * *

”Not man enough to...”

”Not even a Vulcan wanted…”

”Vulcan sees him as a whore. Yes, the famous Captain Kirk as a…”

Kirk gritted his teeth and pretended he couldn’t hear the not-quite-whispers coming from the tables around him. It had been four weeks since Spock had told him of his impending marriage and since he and T’Lia could never meet, Kirk had returned to Earth while Spock stayed on Vulcan. By now Spock must have been married for nearly two weeks but, he had warned Kirk, that he would be unable to contact him during this time. He would be celebrating the bonding with his family and all of Vulcan.

Kirk had spent most of his involuntary shore leave alone but today McCoy had refused to take no for an answer and they had gone to downtown San Francisco for dinner.

”He’s a damn son of a bitch for letting you go through this,” McCoy cursed angrily. For a split second McCoy regretted his oath to never do harm; the strangers’ foul whispers about his friend made him want to do some serious damage.

Kirk shook his head. He had had to deal with his own anger towards Spock but he knew it wasn’t his bondmate’s fault. Even now he could feel a faint breath of love and warmth coming from his bondmate through their mental link. “It’s not his fault, Bones.”

McCoy looked unconvinced. Looking at Kirk’s slumped and defeated posture he briefly clapped Kirk’s hand across the table. “Jim, maybe…Maybe it’s best to face facts.”

Kirk locked eyes with him. “Meaning give him up?” His tone of voice let McCoy know that he had considered that himself. McCoy nodded. “No…I can’t…I won’t do that.”

“Jim, he’s Vulcan. Maybe it’s time to let him be Vulcan,” McCoy suggested gently.

“I’ve never tried to change him.”

“I know but this whole ‘two marriage’ thing…It’s not normal,” McCoy insisted.

“You mean it’s not the common human to do in this day and age.”

McCoy waved a hand at him to indicate such specifics were not relevant. “Can you honestly tell me you can accept this?”

Kirk seemed to genuinely consider that for a long moment.

“No,” Kirk began slowly. “I can’t.”

McCoy breathed a sigh of relief. Finally his friend had seen reason.

“I’m sure you can keep your friendship,” McCoy said reassuringly, though he wasn’t sure if this would be possible. He had never been all that good at guessing Spock’s true emotions.

“What?” Kirk had been distracted by his own thoughts and only now did he understand what McCoy was saying. “Oh, no…I won’t divorce him. There’s no divorce on Vulcan and besides…I don’t want to.”

McCoy slumped in defeat. Whatever Kirk was thinking would surely end badly. Couldn’t he just accept that Spock as a Vulcan would never be able to love Kirk the way he wanted and needed? “Then what are you gonna do?”

Kirk held the same determined look in his eyes that he always had just before he battled Klingons…and won.

“Why…I’ll fight for him of course,” Kirk said with a smile.

* * * * *

“I challenge!”

The Vulcan words held only a small hint of emotion. Kirk’s voice seemed to echo in the large banquet hall where all of Vulcan’s high society and quite a few off-world politicians were gathered for the last party celebrating Spock and T’Lia’s wedding.

Deadly quiet fell over the room as Kirk’s Vulcan words hung in the air. For a race who claimed to have no emotion ~~s~~ , the Vulcans who made eye contact with Kirk looked shocked by his boldness.

Slowly Kirk began to walk further into the room. The tables had been set in what resembled an old-fashioned horseshoe with Spock and his bride placed on the right side, a place of honour on Vulcan. Kirk made a point of not looking their way as he walked between the tables, as Vulcan tradition forbade this for someone who had challenged. He approached the table directly in front of him where T’Pau, Sarek, Amanda and some other highly placed Vulcans were seated.

T’Pau seemed to gather her wits about her. She rose from her chair and looked as disapprovingly at Kirk as any unemotional Vulcan could. Kirk had always had a suspicion that the old woman disliked him and the look in her eyes convinced him that he was right. However he had not come this far to back down now.

After his conversation with McCoy he had searched high and low and pulled every string he could to try to find an official Vulcan way in which he could protest Spock’s marriage without risking Spock’s very soul in the process. Finally, after almost three weeks, he had found an old pre-reform Vulcan law which had never been revoked that could work for him. However he had to challenge Spock’s marriage before the end of the festivities which for someone of Spock’s status lasted six weeks.

He had just narrowly made the deadline, having arrived on the last day of the final feast. Starfleet hadn’t wanted to grant him extended shore leave. The brass had a pretty good idea as to what he wanted to do; Kirk hadn’t been subtle with his research due to the tight time schedule he had been under. Starfleet had been concerned that Kirk’s interference with Vulcan could become an interstellar incident and they had done what they could to prevent Kirk from going to Vulcan. Despite McCoy’s strong disagreements with Kirk’s plan, he and others of Kirk’s friends had come through for him and he had managed to reach Vulcan just on time.

“Thee has no business here, Kirk,” T’Pau said in Standard in her most disapproving voice.

Kirk mentally recalled all the rules the old Vulcan law had detailed, and tried his best to control any and all display of emotion as he walked towards her. When he reached Spock and T’Lia he stopped, carefully staring straight ahead, never looking at her face. He recalled the Vulcan ritual words he was required to speak and spoke clearly but softly, doing his best to pronounce each word as correctly as his two week crash course in Vulcan language had taught him.

“Wife of my bondmate, I greet thee. I intend no dishonour to thee or thy house. My challenge is for my bondmate and is spoken with only him in mind. I mean no disrespect to thee and should my challenge be ruled in my favour and against thee I vow that I shall compensate thee for thy loss in whatever manner thy House deems necessary.” Kirk paused, ignoring the faint gasps of surprise from the non-Vulcan guests who had understood his Vulcan words.

He had no idea what kind of compensation T’Lia could ask for if…no, _when_ he got Spock back but, according to what he had read, proper behaviour would dictate that T’Lia not request anything from him but admit the logic of her defeat. However it was in her right to ask for anything she wished. Kirk just hoped she wouldn’t be as cold hearted as T’Pring had been in matters of the heart.

“Though I know I am unworthy to gaze upon thy beauty I convey my hopes that no matter the outcome of my challenge thee will find contentment,” Kirk concluded.

Having spoken the words required of him Kirk walked towards T’Pau, keeping his gaze straight ahead even though he desperately wanted to look at Spock to see how he had taken all of this. Kirk reached the table and bowed to T’Pau, Sarek and Amanda and nodded to the others at the table.

“I, James T. Kirk, challenge the marriage between Spock of Vulcan, son of Sarek and T’Lia of Vulcan, daughter of Sehan.” His voice was steady as he spoke the Vulcan words, inwardly pleased that he had actually managed to find out T’Lia’s family history despite the Vulcan privacy policy.

A wave of shocked murmurs ran through the room. T’Pau looked more displeased than any unemotional Vulcan should.

“Thee are not Vulcan. Thee have no right to challenge,” T’Pau said, having switched from Standard to Vulcan and her heavy accent made the words harder for Kirk to understand. In a fit of paranoia he was sure she had done this on purpose.

Kirk fought to keep his features calm and even, fighting to recall the Vulcan words he had learned. “With all respect, thee are mistaken. The right to challenge is not as a right given _only_ to Vulcans. The fact that no outworlder has ever challenged does not make a tradition into a law.”

T’Pau looked ready to argue the point but Sarek overruled her. “Kirk is correct. Logically there is no reason to refuse his claim.”

Amanda sent her husband a warm but reserved smile at his words and sent a comforting smile Kirk’s way as well. Defeated, T’Pau retook her seat.

“Very well, Kirk. We, the Council, will listen to your claim and judge in this matter logically and in the same manner that we would for any Vulcan.”

Kirk gave a small nod of his head. “Thank you.”

“T’Pau, I ask that you do not allow this to proceed. Captain Kirk is not a Vulcan; he does not know what the ritual of challenge means.” Spock’s voice seemed to echo in the room and Kirk had to force himself not to turn and look at him while he spoke. It was one of the many rules he had had to memorise; to have any hope of success; he couldn’t deviate from the old traditions without risking losing Spock for good.

“Thee worry for this human?” T’Pau asked evenly, though with a hint of disappointment in her voice.

“He is my…” Kirk was sure Spock would have said friend but then he seemed to recall the traditional setting they were in and used an old Vulcan word instead, “t’hy’la.”

“Kirk, thee issued the challenge. Do thee wish to go through with it?” Kirk didn’t recognize the elderly Vulcan male who had spoken, but knew he too sat in the Vulcan Council.

“I do.”

“Then we shall proceed.” He gestured toward T’Pau, indicating that she should take it from there. She gave a small nod of her head in acceptance.

“Kirk, thee challenge the marriage of Spock, son of Sarek, of the House of Surak. Thee find thyself to be a more suitable bondmate for him?”

Kirk nodded. “I do.”

“That claim is what thee are here to prove,” another Vulcan Council member said calmly and Kirk nodded acceptance of this.

“Spock is from the most influential and powerful House on Vulcan. His line can be traced back to Surak. What House are thee from?” Kirk wondered as T’Pau spoke if Spock found it as irritating as he did that they were both being talked about like horses on auction.

“Earth has no Houses in the way that Vulcan does but my family line can be traced back to one of the ruling houses of Ireland, an isle on Earth in the Atlantic Ocean. My ancestor was banned from Ireland after a family feud had left two houses in ruin. He immigrated to the country then known as The United States of America. My family has lived on the Northern American continent of Earth ever since. My line counts 8 people of importance, 5 of them were warriors, among them an American general and a Starfleet commander some 200 years ago when Starfleet had first been founded. The others are 2 scientists and an author,” Kirk finished reciting the information he had had an old girlfriend who was a historian dig up for him.

Kirk took out a document from his pocket, unfolded it and laid it before T’Pau. He had wanted to simply put his family tree on a data disk but tradition demanded he presented all documents on paper to the Council. Added to his already expensive hobby of gathering old Earth artefacts, like paper bound books, this extra cost had drawn down his resources. Paper was not used anymore so getting it was hard and expensive.

T’Pau studied the paper and passed it on to some of the other Council members. “Kirk, describe the status of your immediate family.”

McCoy had been right in warning him that this was a very uncomfortable situation—having to tell so many personal details to so many people. Still, if he kept to tradition maybe there was a chance for him to win.

“My father was an officer in Starfleet and was killed in action. My mother runs our family farm in Iowa. An alien parasitic being killed my older brother along with his wife and one of his children. My only living cousin is living with my mother.” It was hard to speak of so much sorrow and not let it show; Kirk had a feeling he hadn’t totally managed to control the grief in his eyes and voice.

“What is your own status?”

Kirk recalled the information he was required to give. He began to speak calmly and evenly, “I am 38 Earth years old. I am widowed; my wife and unborn child were killed.” Remembered pain for Miramanee’s loss was in his eyes as he continued, “I have one son I have never seen, by his mother’s request.” It was still a sore spot for Kirk and his voice betrayed a hint of bitterness at this. “I am a Starfleet Captain with several honours attached to my name.” Another document was laid before the Council members. “This document contains a detailed list of my education, as well as anything about me that has ever gone on record. It also contains a list of the medals I have received.”

T’Pau briefly let her eyes run over the very long and impressive list of high test scores and medals before she passed it on. “Thee ask for marriage. What does thee have to offer a bondmate?”

*Please, Jim. Cease this, * Spock’s soft and pleading voice broke through Kirk’s determined mind.

*I can’t. If I do I lose you. *

*I cannot bear to see you humiliated like this: your right to any kind of privacy stripped away. Jim, you do not know what the later tests will be like. You could be hurt; maybe even killed.* Spock’s concern floated through the bond.

*I do know.*

*Jim, t’hy’la, you do not have to show that you are worthy of me. * Spock’s mental voice sounded endlessly gentle.

*Apparently I do. Besides…You’re worth it,* Kirk sent affectionately; projecting all his love with the words. He then closed the mental bond as Spock had taught him to do. Even though Kirk had an extraordinarily strong mind he knew that Spock could easily break through his mental barriers. Kirk also knew that Spock wouldn’t do that, unless it was an emergency.

Kirk focused on T’Pau’s question about what he could offer Spock. “Everything. We have been friends for years and have worked together for many years. I accept him and love him as he is. I make no demands of him but this: that he be mine and mine alone.”

“Your reasons are emotional in nature,” T’Pau reproved.

“I am an emotional man; I can’t deny that,” Kirk admitted. “However, I have some logical reasons to reinforce my plea.” He took out another neatly folded document and placed it before the Council. “As you can see, among these reasons are the mental rapport that spontaneously developed between us, signalling that we have very compatible minds. Our great working relationship has become famous and furthermore we are already Bonded. Also we both work for Starfleet, both working on the same ship, and would not have to be parted. Furthermore I would like to think that the bonding between Spock and myself strengthens Vulcan-Terran relationships.” Kirk fell silent; the rest of the reasons on his list the Council members could read for themselves.

“Kirk, please list your assets,” another female Council member asked of him.

“I own a large apartment in San Francisco and an antique but working sail boat. I hold no other property in my name but my family’s farm is one of the largest on the Northern Hemisphere on Earth. At present it stands in my mother’s name.” Kirk took up another document and handed it to T’Pau. “A record of all my property, any bonds and shares I own as well as the total amount of credits I have in all my accounts.”

T’Pau briefly read the numbers. “This is a very large amount for a Starship captain.”

Taking it as the veiled question it was Kirk replied, “Sometimes, as I’m sure Spock has told you, I or he or both of us will be offered money or valuable stones as payment for a successful rescue or aid given to a rich family as a part of a Starfleet mission. If we cannot decline without causing a diplomatic incident we will accept the payment.”

T’Pau nodded slightly. “A bonding is unbreakable and demands total faithfulness. Thee are known to have a certain reputation. We require further details.”

Kirk ignored the shocked gasps from the non-Vulcan guests.

*Jim, please don’t…* Spock begged in his mind but Kirk again closed him off. This was hard enough as it was. He produced another document and placed it before T’Pau, holding her gaze until she lowered her eyes. Kirk felt a flare of triumph even though he wasn’t sure if she had broken eye contact just to read the document or because she had felt uncomfortable.

“This document details the lovers I have had and for how long. As the Council will see I have had 10 different sexual partners before Spock, all women. Of these, seven were lovers I took by my own choice, one of which was my deceased wife. The others were women I seduced in the line of duty.”

“Would you continue to use your body as a means to an end if this Council agreed to your challenge?” A younger female Vulcan asked.

“Not if I can avoid it but if it’s the only way to save my crew, my ship…Spock,” Kirk got a determined look on his face, “then I would do anything, including that, to save them.” Fearing his words might have hurt his case Kirk added, “Believe me when I say I do not enjoy using my body as a weapon. I take no pleasure or pride from it but as the captain of the Enterprise my duty and responsibility to my ship and my crew comes before my personal comfort.”

“Quite logical,” an older male Council member agreed and Kirk couldn’t keep a small sigh of relief from passing his lips.

“To return to your question, after I Bonded with Spock he has been my only lover.Spock was my first and will be my only male lover and the last lover I will ever take.” Kirk looked at each Council member in turn, forcing his embarrassment to the back of his mind. “I know this means little to you but I love Spock and that is why I would never betray him or hurt him. My presence here should prove my sincerity.”

“That is a matter of opinion. Your presence here brings shame to Spock’s House and makes a mockery of Vulcan culture,” T’Pau insisted, very close to revealing anger.

“What I am doing is done in accordance to Vulcan laws,” Kirk said calmly though his eyes on her were like ice. “What I suggest is change. Change is a natural part of life and therefore it is logical to accept change.”

“Well spoken, Kirk,” Sarek broke in calmly, earning grateful smiles from Kirk and Amanda.

“And what will thee do when Spock enters Pon Farr? Thee are human and will be unable to help him through it.” The male Council member who had spoken before asked, his voice and features tightly controlled so Kirk was unable to guess his motive for asking this question.

“We are not the first Vulcan-human bonding. I admit that I am unable to aid him through Pon Farr and will agree to have a Vulcan female help him through it.” He paused, fighting down the hurt of knowing that even if he won Spock, he would still have to share him but that sharing he could accept because it was fleeting and necessary. “However,” he warned coldly. “She would get nothing from him save whatever kind of gratification is normally given in such situations.”

“The House of Surak cannot die with Spock,” a female Council member stated as a matter of fact.

“Spock can sire a child with the Vulcan woman who aids him through Pon Farr. We could also adopt a child.” Kirk paused before he added a bit sarcastically, “Besides, artificial insemination has been around for a long time so there’s no need to act as if the only way to keep Spock’s name and line alive is for him to marry a woman with whom he can father children. After all, you must have sterile males and females around here…And I know for a fact that Spock bonding with me would not be the first homosexual Vulcan bonding ever done.”

“When such bondings were done they were done because there was a logical need for them,” T’Pau insisted.

“Well, I think there’s a logical need now as well,” Kirk said evenly. “But that’s what we’re here to agree on.”

“It is so,” T’Pau agreed. “If thee still keeps to thy claim then the final tests will commence tomorrow, starting at dawn and ending with a decision following the conclusion of the final test.”

“I keep to my claim,” Kirk said calmly, coldly, by now very annoyed at T’Pau’s ill-veiled attempts at making him back down.

“Very well. We will reconvene at dawn at the appointed place.”

Kirk nodded and nodded to each Council member in turn, then bowed for Sarek and then Amanda. Slowly he began to walk out of the room, ignoring the non-Vulcan guests’ whispers. He passed T’Lia and Spock, forcing himself not to look at either. Again he bowed, this time for T’Lia to show her and her House respect. He made the two fingered Vulcan embrace towards Spock to indicate where his love lay before he walked the rest of the way out of the room.

When the heavy doors closed behind him Kirk allowed himself a deep breath. So far so good. Though difficult without a translator— which would have been a breach of traditional law—he had been able to follow the Vulcan language and had replied accordingly. The lessons he had taken all those years ago at the Academy and everything Spock had taught him during their marriage had come in handy when he had taken his crash course while coming here.

He found that his hands were shaking slightly and he forced them to be still. Feigning an appearance of calm non-emotion he walked out of the building and over to the hotel room he had rented. According to tradition, the final tests would be mostly physical. Rest and plenty of food and water would be the program for the rest of the day.

He regretted refusing McCoy’s request to come with him for he could have used the company to keep his thoughts from his nervousness. He had never before had so much to lose. However he had had good reasons for refusing McCoy’s request. Tomorrow’s physical tests had been designed to strain a Vulcan’s physique so he knew McCoy had reason to worry. If the worst happened he would rather not have his old friend there to witness it.

Forcing the dark thoughts away Kirk walked purposefully to his hotel room, using all his command training to focus on just one thing: becoming ready to win tomorrow.

* * * * *

Kirk was beginning to think McCoy had been right when he had warned him off attempting to reclaim Spock on Vulcan terms. Kirk was a man of action; used to making up his own rules more than following them. However in this matter he had had to admit that he had to play this out by someone else’s rules and that wasn’t easy.

The first tests he had been given had been intelligence tests. The suns of Vulcan rose slowly, illuminating him as he stood in the middle of a stone circle a little distance outside of town. The Council members were all seated on stone chairs around him. Neither Spock nor T’Lia were allowed to be present.

He had been given a hand-held computer and was told to direct his replies to their questions to the small computer. The questions had covered mathematics, astronomy, military history and strategy. Many were about Vulcan history and culture, Kirk was again happy that he had read so much about Vulcan from the day he had first met Spock, having been fascinated by Spock from the first day. Spock had also told him things during their marriage and after he decided to come here to make the challenge he had not only renewed his language skills but also upgraded his knowledge of Vulcan culture and history as best as his limited time frame had permitted.

The hot suns made it hard ~~er~~ for him to concentrate and he had to admit that many of the scientific questions were far beyond his reach as were many of the ‘common knowledge’ questions. He knew Spock would have been able to answer them easily but he had never had such intense training in science. However after three hours, when he was finally done and handed the computer back, he felt he had done pretty well in the historical, cultural and military questions as well as a good portion of the astronomical ones. The results were apparently good enough that he was allowed to proceed—and T’Pau looked none too happy about it.

The last tests were physical ones. Being in good shape for a human, he managed to do some of them but he didn’t have Vulcan strength and endurance and by the end of the day he was nearly ready to collapse on the sands of Vulcan in exhaustion. He managed to stay upright – there was no way that he would give the Vulcans that satisfaction. He was certain that the Council members were all just waiting for any opportunity to deny his challenge.

It was now almost dusk and Kirk was relieved to see that whatever the Council members wanted to tell him could be done with him sitting on a polished stone. He was still in the middle of the circle of Council members. He had been given some water, which he was greedily drinking. Though he had been given water during the day it hadn’t been enough to keep him from feeling an almost constant thirst.

As the suns were setting the temperature was cooling down and he knew that before long it would become very cold.

“The last test before we pass judgement will commence now,” T’Pau declared and Jim looked curiously at her. He had thought this was it; that it was over now. “Thee will walk across the desert, a four days journey to the nearest town west from here. Thee will be given two canteens with water and one blanket; nothing more. If thee have not reached thy goal by dusk on the fourth day, Spock’s bonding to T’Lia will be declared binding and thy challenge will forfeit. If thee arrives before the appointed time I shall meld with thee to assure that Spock did not use the mental bond to assist thee. ”

Kirk didn’t look forward to having T’Pau crawling around in his head but still nodded acceptance. He saw a Vulcan come towards him and hand him the two canteens and the blanket. He finished drinking the water he had been given earlier and got to his feet. Though he was worried about the journey, knowing it wouldn’t be an easy one, he still cast T’Pau a tight smile, hiding his exhaustion.

“See you in town then,” he said and walked away. ~~~~

Giving up was not an option. He considered the obstacles he faced. The Vulcan desert was extremely cold at night and extremely hot during the day. Wild and dangerous animals prowled by night and the alien world confuse his sense of direction. Despite that danger, he would have to walk at night and rest during the day. Hopefully he would be able to find some shade during the day, while avoiding the animals that surely would seek the same shelter. ~~~~

Determined, Kirk walked further into the desert, trying to force McCoy’s warning words and his own worry to the back of his mind. He had to get through this. He had to.

* * * * *

Spock looked anxiously at the old road. He, T’Lia and the Council members had gathered at the appointed meeting place; a stone circle just outside town. Everyone except Spock was seated, patiently and calmly awaiting the sunset. Spock stood at the edge of the circle, trying to get the first glimpse of Kirk.

They had arrived at noon and the suns were now about to set. Kirk’s time was running out. Why had Kirk agreed to this? It could cost him his life. Spock knew the questions and tests had been humiliating and embarrassing for Kirk, who, being a proud and emotional man, must have had to struggle with himself to continue.

Spock could not understand it. He found no enjoyment in the present situation but T’Lia was not unkind and his arrangement with the Council had meant that he and Kirk would get what they wanted—each other. He would have preferred to have Kirk and only Kirk as his bondmate but he also had to fulfill his duties to Vulcan. He had thought this was a perfectly logical solution, but then Kirk was human; his reasons for making the challenge had to be emotional.

The first sun set and Spock fought to appear as calm as his new wife and the Council members. Kirk was supposed to have been safe on Earth. He was not supposed to be on Vulcan, being humiliated and risking his life.

Kirk’s determination to keep him made Spock’s mind spin. He had never had anyone fight to keep him, fight to show him love—fight to just get the _chance_ to show him love.

It had taken all his willpower not to open the mental connection to Kirk to assure himself that he was well but he knew that if he did all Kirk’s work would be wasted. Though he still did not understand why Kirk fought so strongly for this, Spock was determined to stand by him and help him in any way he could. ~~~~

Finally, just as the second sun was about to set, Kirk appeared—ragged, sunburned, and tired but very much alive. He looked exhausted beyond belief, his skin was burned and his lips were cracked. Spock fought to control a smile of relief, of _joy,_ and battled his instinct to assist Kirk the last of the way. It seemed to take forever until Kirk slowly dragged his pained and exhausted body to the stone circle but finally he stood before T’Pau.

She cast her eyes on the last setting sun and said, “Thee have completed thy task.”

Kirk smiled, too tired to let the slight disappointed tone in her voice disturb him. “Give me thy thoughts,” she ordered and Kirk let himself fall to one knee before the seated Vulcan, too exhausted to care about what could have been an embarrassing and awkward moment. Even T’Pau’s mental probing was not enough to break through his shield of exhaustion. Right now he wouldn’t have minded having McCoy near to treat him for dehydration and the beginnings of sunstroke. He was also so hungry that he felt he could eat anything. He had managed to find a few bugs to eat in the desert but he hadn’t been able to find enough to ease his hunger.

T’Pau withdrew her mental probe and released Kirk’s mind. “No one has had any mental contact with the challenger,” she declared.

“Your…decision?” Kirk rasped, his mouth as dry as the desert sand. He had to fight to keep his eyes open. Now that he had reached his goal, the adrenaline that had kept him going was beginning to wear off, letting him feel all his aches and his extreme exhaustion.

“Who votes that Kirk of Terra should have his demands met, granting him all rights and privileges as the only bondmate to Spock of Vulcan?” T’Pau asked the Council members.

As the words were spoken Kirk managed to fight back his exhaustion, fear making him aware of his surroundings as he saw hands being raised. He quickly counted them. 18 out of 30 had voted for him. He smiled widely. He had won! He had actually won! Relief made him lightheaded and he didn’t hear T’Pau ask that those who were opposed to acknowledge this. As Kirk had suspected T’Pau herself was among those who were against him.

“Thy challenge has been met and thy request approved,” T’Pau told him and Kirk nodded, fighting to remember the rest of the ritual so that he could complete his challenge with full honours. He painfully got back up on his feet, fighting not to sway.

“I thank the Council for their wise decision and will abide by it.” The words came easily to his lips If he had lost he doubted he could have spoken these words.

With slow, tired, painful steps Kirk went to T’Lia, forcing himself not to look at Spock just yet. He had one last duty to perform. He knelt on one knee before the Vulcan woman and for the first time he looked at her face. She was beautiful but in control of her emotions. Her face did not give him any clue to what she was thinking or feeling about the Council’s decision. However she did not have T’Pring’s coldness about her which Kirk took as a good sign.

“Honourable T’Lia, for thy loss I offer compensation. Name thy price, my lady,” Kirk forced the Vulcan words out his dry lips. He hoped she would be reasonable in her demands but he was too exhausted and too high on joy and relief over having won Spock to really feel much of his concern.

“Kirk of Terra, thee are a worthy bondmate for Spock. I renounce any claims I had to him and his clan.” The traditional words were broken with the faintest hint of a smile. “For compensation I ask only this; may you both find…contentment.”

Kirk smiled gratefully at her before he got back on his feet. “My lady is most kind. Thank you,” he said sincerely, the Standard words making the human emotions of gratitude seem more heartfelt. She nodded at him and rose, leaving the stone circle.

“Spock,” Kirk spoke the name as a plea grateful that he was finally permitted to turn and face him. Spock looked at him with concerned eyes and when Kirk weakly extended two fingers in the Vulcan embrace he moved faster than lightning. Their fingers touched.

“I love you,” Kirk mumbled softly before he promptly lost consciousness. Spock easily caught the human and lifted him up into his arms, holding him close and secure.

“And I you,” Spock whispered softly before breaking the tender moment by calling for assistance to get Kirk to a hospital.

Spock remained by Kirk’s side at the hospital, holding his hand in his own. Kirk had won. It was a fact and logic dictated that he accepted it but he still had a hard time believing it. With his emotions, Kirk had beat Vulcan’s logic…his own logic. He felt as perplexed about this as he had been the first time Kirk had beat him at chess. Perplexed…but very happy.

* * * * *

Kirk slowly opened his eyes and saw a white hospital room. A window told him it was almost dusk. He turned his head to the other side and smiled as he saw Spock sitting in a chair beside his bed, his hand holding Kirk's.

“Hi,” Kirk said softly and his smile widened. Spock did the small curve of his lips that Kirk knew was a smile and leaned in to plant a soft kiss on his bondmate’s lips. As he drew back his eyes were sparkling.

“It is gratifying to see you again,” Spock’s formal words were ruined by his soft tone and the flood of warmth and love Kirk felt through their mental connection as Spock reopened the link fully.

Kirk nodded and squeezed his hand tightly. “It feels like it has been weeks since I saw you last.” After a second’s thought he added, “I guess it is. The traditional challenge did not allow me to look at you.”

“I spoke with T’Pau 5.6 hours ago. My bonding to T’Lia has been dissolved. T’Pau informed me that you have been granted full rights as my bondmate. However she let me know that the Council expects me to produce at least one offspring within the next seven years.”

“That’s good news,” Kirk said happily. “About the child…The timeframe should fit with your next Pon Farr so there should be no problem there. I wouldn’t mind if you made a child with T’Lia.” The woman had risen quite a lot in Kirk’s opinion when she had accepted her defeat gracefully and had seemed to truly want them to be happy. Spock looked a bit uncomfortable at the mentioning of Pon Farr but to Kirk’s joy not overly so. Thinking he knew at least part of why his bondmate looked uncomfortable he added, “I have accepted that such an arrangement during your Pon Farr is necessary but as soon as your child is born I want us, you and I, to raise it. The woman shouldn’t have anything to say in it. If that’s not acceptable there are other ways to have a child where such an agreement would be upheld.”

“I foresaw your suggestion and the Council assured me that the child will be ours to raise. Since you have been given full rights as my bondmate then Vulcan law is clear; any children I father are ours.”

Kirk took a sip from the water glass that stood on a table beside his bed and smiled smugly when he laid his head back on his pillow. “Not bad for a few days work.”

Spock looked at the floor for a moment before he met Kirk’s eyes again. “You should not have done what you did.”

Kirk frowned. “You’re not happy you don’t have to marry that woman?” He couldn’t quite keep his hurt and the beginnings of anger out of his voice.

“I am but you could have been injured, maybe even died. Jim, you have been unconscious for 2.3 days. The doctors told me that you were very fortunate that your injuries were not more severe.” Spock’s concern and worry were written in his face and eyes. Kirk instantly relaxed and smiled at him. He let a weak hand touch Spock’s chin before he had to let it fall back down, still exhausted from his trying walk through the desert.

“Even now, after all this time with me and with humans in general you can’t quite grasp some of the concepts of humanity, can you?” Kirk asked softly.

“I am sorry if I have…” Spock began and Kirk could feel Spock’s shields coming back up.

“Don’t be silly,” Kirk pulled on the hand that still held his to keep him near. “I wasn’t blaming you for anything – just making a statement of fact.”

Spock nodded and relaxed. “There will most likely always be certain aspects of humanity I will never be able to understand,” he admitted evenly.

“Just like there are certain aspects of Vulcan behaviour I will never be able to fully understand,” Kirk said and Spock nodded. Something in Spock’s eyes made him smile.

“You’re curious about why I did it.” It wasn’t a question. Spock’s curiosity was one emotion he had never been able to hide.

“I admit to a certain sense of curiosity. The path I had chosen was logical and it would have kept us together. Most importantly it was not dangerous to you.”

Kirk laughed. When he sobered his eyes shined with love. “Silly Vulcan,” he said affectionately. “Danger to myself was never an issue. I love you,” he added warmly. “That is why I did it.”

Spock seemed unable to accept such a simple answer. “Your decision was illogical and irrational.”

Kirk nodded. “Yes. However I did want to win you back and I had researched the tradition of challenge as well as other skills I thought I might need. I think I was being quite logical.” His eyes held a hint of teasing.

Spock’s features softened. “Jim, t’hy’la, you never lost me.”

Kirk smiled but said seriously, “I am human, Spock. I’ve had to admit that I cannot separate an affair based on logic from one based on love or lust. Though I know T’Lia wouldn’t mean anything to you I would still be jealous and I would end up resenting you. She would be the one you’d take to any and all formal events where even just one Vulcan would attend. That would mean practically any dinner, any ball, any military or diplomatic event you are invited to you’d have to share that with her and not me. Most of your time and your memories would end up being with her instead of me.”

“That is true,” Spock admitted.

“Then you have your answer. I love you, Spock. It’s an emotional thing and I cannot change that.” He paused for a moment before he added, “If I took a lover would you permit it?”

Spock looked as if Kirk had stuck him. “If you wished to, if it would make you happy, I would…” he began coldly, his voice distant.

Kirk shook his head. “But would you like it? Would you permit it? Honestly?”

“No,” Spock admitted honestly, a strong sense of possessiveness coming up in him.

Kirk grinned. “There you have it.” Sensing Spock’s unspoken concern he said warmly, letting all his love flow through the bond to Spock, “I never have and never will want any other lover than you, Spock. I have never cheated on any of my lovers and I wouldn’t start with you.”

“I love you,” Spock said softly, his free hand making the two-fingered Vulcan embrace. Kirk’s free hand formed the appropriate reply and he touched his two fingers to Spock’s.

“I love you too,” Kirk said warmly. He smiled happily at Spock, whose eyes and face reflected his own happiness. The moment seemed to last and hold for hours instead of seconds, the air filled with love and the promise of forever.


End file.
